The Full Gambit
In the last decade I have experienced just about the full gambit. From engagement to marriage; moving house and navigating married life. Realising that falling pregnant does not happen to plan or to schedule; having pregnancy and birth complications and a premature baby in NICU. Discovering my child had (has) significant developmental delays including a severe motor planning problem that rendered him non-verbal until he was 3 and a half. Beginning the journey of ongoing therapies and specialised schooling and all that comes with it. Repeating the cycle of anxiety and impatience trying to conceive baby number 2. Having a gun to my head on the pavement with my child strapped into the backseat of the car. Experiencing pregnancy loss and having to acknowledge that I didn’t want to try any more. Wanting to move house and experiencing repetitive failure. Adjusting to new diagnoses for my child as school demands grew and changed. Trying to keep a private practice afloat despite all of this and make the right decisions about the workload and environment with which I could realistically cope. Fighting for my child every minute of every day at every turn. And now – divorce.
So I ask myself:
Am I stronger? Absolutely.
More resilient? No doubt
Do I have more faith in myself and my decisions? I do.
Am I safe and loved within my small but fierce village? Unbelievably so.
Am I more cynical and jaded too? Definitely and unchangeably.
What about my son? Is he better or worse for my decisions? My forefront worry always being that school is tough enough for him without the addition of other factors, particularly at home.
I recently learned an interesting fact – that divorce more often than not begins with the birth of the first child. Add to that significant challenges and emotions from pre-birth ongoing and what chance do you have? Not every marriage is forever and not every relationship can withstand this indefinite storm, changing the outcome to “until parenting a neurodivergent child do us part”.
Was the dissolution of the marriage inevitable regardless of pregnancy, children and the hell that was COVID? Probably. Were these factors all significant accelerants? I think so. Does it really matter? No. Am I constantly re-evaluating the past decade and trying to understand where and why I lost myself and voice? Every day (and night).
Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same.
And that is why life is hard.
At the point you finally make that decision, you still don’t know if your odds are in favour of courage or stupidity. You just can’t hold back any longer or hide yourself any deeper.
I have always told my son that he lives in my heart and that I live in his. Recently, we read a book that spoke about “being joined at the heart”. I truly hope that this unconditional, untainted love is a strong enough force to see us through whatever lies ahead, just case I’m not.