The Babysitters’ Club
Recently on a Saturday morning I went to a ladies’ only function. The first thing someone asked me (while we were waiting to go inside) was whether my husband was babysitting our son. I replied that no, it’s not babysitting when it is actually your own child. The conversation died a swift death and we both moved on. Someone else then said to me “oh it’s just a figure of speech” to which I said that I felt it absolutely is not just a figure of speech.
Later in the morning the guest speaker (also a woman) told us to give ourselves a round of applause for “taking the time out for ourselves”. When last did you see a group of men giving themselves a round of applause for taking the time to play golf or watch a rugby match or go away on a boys’ trip?
I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that in 2022 this is the narrative that we are still living and speaking. That in a world where women are leading their countries; their companies and their places of learning we still use the term ‘working mother’ to label and to separate those of us who dare to seek fulfilment outside of our motherly role, never mind those who have no choice but to support their families. The term brings with it all kinds of negative connotations and images of a woman splitting herself (unequally) between her job and her family; of a frazzled mother dropping the balls on both sides; of children feeling neglected and of bosses and colleagues feeling dissatisfied. Have you ever heard a man referred to as a ‘working father’? Me neither. A man leaves work to attend a school meeting or concert and is lauded as father of the year. 52.8% of the work force are women. Maternity leave is still seen as a fun vacation or a relaxing few months at home. I spent the first 2 weeks of my maternity leave sitting in the hospital all day – in my bed, in the waiting area of the Neonatal ICU, in the breastfeeding / expressing room next to the NICU; at my baby’s bedside listening to the monitors beep and alarms sound. So much fun, rest and relaxation. Time for a paradigm shift?
To add insult to injury, when I tried to start a discussion around these issues with a man I was called a feminist. This rendered me utterly speechless. I was being labelled with a political stance purely by pointing out the glaring inequalities that still exist within our society through the lenses of many different people. How could we have taken so many supposed steps forward and yet we seem to be standing in exactly the same place?
Recently someone commented that I didn’t seem accustomed to being in the position of having to say something important without having to make excuses for it. Have you ever noticed the common ways in which many women preface what they are about to say: I’m sorry to bother you but; this is probably a silly question but; you probably don’t have time but…Not to mention the all encompassing comment of “No don’t worry, I’m fine” in response to just about any question about well being or offer of help. Heaven forbid we accept help and by default admit that we are lacking in some way. By labelling a father taking care of his child / children as “helping his wife” we are just embedding this false narrative even further. I don’t consider the fact that I work (and earn my own money) as “helping my husband”. I view it as a sensible and expected way to operate in a partnership. It is not about the childcare or the income generation being 50 – 50. It is about both partners contributing to the best of their abilities within the boundaries and circumstances of their relationship and needs. While much of this may be my own opinion, I know with certainty that I am not alone in these opinions.